Not Just Another Weasley
by kci47
Summary: Following the smash hit 'The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore' comes Rita Skeeter's newest best-seller chronicling the life of everyone's favorite ginger. Written for the "Bloody Hell" Ron-preciation challenge on HPFC. One-shot, T for some language.


Coming soon to a Flourish and Blotts near you... The complete biography of the most famous redhead of our times... Be the first one of your friends to own _Ronald Bilius Weasley: Not Just Another Weasley_, extensively researched and meticulously written by your very own Rita Skeeter!

See what celebrities are saying about this explosive new expose:

"No. Absolutely not. You do _not _have permission to snoop through our sock drawers! Where's my glass jar..." –Hermione Granger, little-known third member of the Golden Trio, rumored fiancée of Ron Weasley

"Lovely fellow, Robert Beasley. I met him once, you know – lives in a very nice cave under the school!" –Gilderoy Lockhart, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, permanent resident of St. Mungo's spell damage ward

"No comment, Skeeter." –Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Lived, reluctant best friend of Ron Weasley

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_Not Just Another Weasley _will be on sale starting next month. Sign up for your copy today and receive a free Chudley Cannons (Ronald's favorite team) ticket! No, really, get a free ticket with your order...please, come to a Cannons game...anyone?

In the meantime, enjoy these excerpts from the gripping novel that will be sweeping the nation – at least until Harry's biography is released.

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"I can still remember the day I gave Ron my old wand. I was moving to Romania and had a new one, better suited for dragon wrangling. Anyway, Ron was about to start Hogwarts, so I gave him mine. He was always my favorite brother. He was so excited, even wanted to try some spells out straightaway. Bet you didn't know it was actually my wand that helped him defeat Voldemort that first year, did you? ...What? No, no, I had nothing to do with Obliviating Lockhart." –Charlie Weasley, Ron's eldest and most handsome brother

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"Ron spent a couple of weeks with Fleur and I during the dark times. He's always been my favorite brother, so it was no imposition. Everyone's heard how Ron left the Trio, but not enough people have heard how hard he worked to get back to them. He was a wreck while he was with us, never sleeping, hardly eating – just mumbling to himself about orphanages and the Sword while he scoured a map of the British countryside. I've never seen him so determined. One morning he was just gone, and I knew he'd found a way to get back to them. He's devoted to those two." –Bill Weasley, Ron's second oldest brother – you know, the one with the facial scars and the wife who's out of his league

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"I taught Ronald to play chess, you know. When we were children, I thought I might be able to influence his behavior in a _positive _way since there were already so many undesirable attitudes in our family. Ow! That is, there were already a number of _rambunctious personalities_ in our household...is that better, Mum? Ahem. Our chess lessons were a time of calm and reflection and self-awareness. I like to think that he drew on the principles he learned at my knee when he faced down McGonagall's chess set in his first year. He was my favorite brother, naturally, although more from a lack of other options. Ow, Mum!" –Percy Weasley, the boring one

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"Ah, sweet ickle Ronniekins. I always knew he had promise, that one! Other than George, he's my favorite brother. Seriously, though, I helped Ron Transfigure our ghoul to look like him with Spattergroit – it wasn't pretty – but Ron insisted that the family be safe while he went on his little tour of the countryside with Harry and Hermione. Came up with it all on his own, he did, and I'm proud to say he learned his deviant ways from m'self and Georgie! I mean have you _seen _Gringott's lately? Did a bang-up job, he did..." –From the portrait of Fred Weasley, which can be found in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes in Diagon Alley (warning: not a suitable portrait for small children)

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"Can I interest you in a pre-written book that just needs a publisher? It's called _Fred and George, Magic-Makers: A Tale of Two Devilishly Handsome, Intelligent, Wealthy, Handsome Brothers _and it's ready for production...oh, alright, it was worth a shot. Ron – let's see. I used to give Ron flying lessons when he was just a little tyke. We'd sneak out to the broom shed early in the morning when everyone else was still asleep. The older brothers never wanted him tagging along, but I realized we'd need a fourth for two-a-side Quidditch once Charlie was gone so it seemed like a good idea. He was Keeper on the Gryffindor team in school, you know. Never told him this, but he's my favorite brother apart from Freddie. Oh, and if you have any friends in the business, I'll throw in an authentic signed photo of ol' Ronald to the person who agrees to buy my book!" –George Weasley, proprietor of WWW, shameless promoter of an undoubtedly exaggerated story

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"Ron's amazing, and quite frankly I'll hex the bollocks off anyone who says otherwise! ...Sorry, Mum. What I mean is that Ron is the most loyal brother, son, and friend anyone could have. He's always been my favorite. After I was possessed by Voldemort and taken into the Chamber of Secrets, I wasn't sure I'd ever be the same again. But Ron was there for me, always encouraging me. Other than Harry, he was the only other person who really understood what it was like down there. If it wasn't for Ron, I don't know what I would have done! He's simply the best." –Ginny Weasley-Potter, little sister, The-One-Who-Bewitched-The-Boy-Who-Lived

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"My son? You'll have to be more specific, I have several...oh-ho, got you there! Only kidding, I know my children. Yes, Ron has made us all very proud for many years now. Why, he even had the good sense to get himself engaged to a Muggle-born, that lovely Hermione. She's been wonderful, really wonderful, explaining all the Muggle traditions and appliances to me. Fascinating stuff – Muggles have these devices called 'comptooters' which allow them to _Accio _information using various keys! Ingenious, ingenious. What's that? Oh, Ron, of course. Wonderful boy." –Arthur Weasley, Ron's father, owner of the famous blue Ford Anglia

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"I remember the day Ronald was born. Such a sweet little thing, with the tiniest toes you've ever seen! Of course I never imagined that he would grow up to have such a complete disregard for his own safety; why, he's the reason I have all these gray hairs. Most people think it's the twins, but it was Ron and Harry's antics that always gave me heart attacks. I ask you, what is so wrong with wanting your children to stay away from venomous creatures and Dark Lords? But not Ron, no, he always had to go chasing down the bad guy. Naturally I'm proud of him, who wouldn't be, but I just hope dear Hermione can tame him a bit now that they're getting married." –Molly Weasley, Ron's mother and worrywart

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And don't miss the exclusive interview with Ron Weasley as told to your very own Rita Skeeter! I sat down with this legendary "war hero" and hanger-on to bring you his thoughts on his own "accomplishments".

"You want everything from the time I met Harry until today? Right. Er, well, it started on the platform at King's Cross...what is that quill writing? Yeah, okay. Then on the train, we – bloody hell! I am _not _'openly weeping at my obvious good fortune in being the first person Harry Potter met at Hogwarts'! HERMIONE, BRING THE JAR IN HERE!" –Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's less-famous friend

Pre-order your copy today!

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**A/N: I'm not JK Rowling. Written for WeasleySeeker's "Bloody Hell!" challenge/competition on HPFC, which is a Ron Appreciation challenge. I wanted to show Ron from all his family's point of view, and somehow it turned into a mildly silly Rita-influenced "biography". But in all honesty - I do think Ron was probably the universal favorite amongst his family members, don't you?** **Cheers to Ronald Bilius Weasley!**

**PS this is my 20th published fanfic...WHOA! Or as Ron would say, bloody hell!**


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